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Reading, and Sadly nothing about writing or arithmetic

READING EARLY-EVENING CHRONICLE

The buy canada goose canada goose coat 0f parka uk Fiver knows a thing or two about making bad career choices. If only we’d taken that degree in Selling Shirts At A Massive Mark-up To People Who Are Going To Buy Them Anyway Regardless Of What You Do And Then Giving It The Big One As Though You’re Some Sort Of Marketing Genius instead of our GCE in Hack Journalism, we’d be on Roman’s payroll now, and you’d be reading something half-decent instead of this bilge. But we didn’t linked website, and we’re not, and Peter Kenyon is, so you are. All of which qualifies us to ask: what the hell are you doing, Alan Pardew?

You see, Alan has decided to follow the Fiver’s lead in making a right balls of it by giving Reading the bodyswerve (a shimmy also known as The McGhee Manoeuvre). “I wish to announce my resignation from Reading Football Club with immediate effect,” said Pardew, a mere nine years after former Royals boss Mark embarked on his upwardly mobile journey from the Madejski Stadium to nowhere via nowhere and nowhere. “My main issue has always been the opportunity to speak to West Ham United Football Club which has been denied to me,” explained Pardew, as he traced the first stage of McGhee’s descent step for symbolic step.

But luckily for Pardew, someone is trying to save him from himself. “Alan Pardew tendered his resignation which the board has not accepted,” explained the man who gave his name to Reading’s ground, club chairman John Stadium. “And for the game at West Ham on Saturday, the team will be managed by Kevin Dillon and assisted by the current management team of Brian McDermott, Nick Hammond and Niall Clark.” Meanwhile, in the interests of tact, Pardew is staying away from Upton Park this weekend. “Given the fixture,” he said, “I’ll be taking time away with my family.” So what will happen next? We’re saying Reading will win on Saturday, and Alan will see sense. Although with our track record in punditry, we’re also going to put a win double on a victory for the Hammers, and Pardew to be manager of Brentford by 2012.

TALKING (AND EATING) TURKEY

It’s often crippling for the heart, liver and numerous other internal organs, but Uefa’s first rule of football administration – any problem, no matter how severe, can always be solved over a drink or seven, several meat-based pies, a selection of exquisitely-made pastries (preferably involving double-cream), and succulent organic roast boar – usually holds true. But it’s about to receive its greatest-ever test.

You see, sometime in the next few days, representatives of the English FA will meet their equally-loveable counterparts from Turkey at Uefa headquarters for talks and free-form jazz riffs (and no, we’re not talking about Gerhard Aigner’s Herbie Hancock tribute ensemble). Why? Because, following on from Svennis’s not-at-all-inflammatory comments warning English fans not to travel to Turkey for the crucial Euro 2004 qualifier because they could die, the Turkish FA have been reaching for the lighter fluid.

“I think Eriksson has forgotten the Heysel disaster,” Hanuk Ulusoy, president of the Turkish Football Federation, spat today, before fanning the flames with a rasping belch. “Of course he doesn’t want England fans can i put my canada goose jacket in the dryer in Turkey because he doesn’t want them to see a defeat. Anyway, best ideas about canada goose parka on pinterest he will be sacked from the England job after the game because he will have no credibility left and he will only be fit to manage the national team of Patagonia.” If he’s lucky, the Fiver might add.

Still, such talk certainly hasn’t impressed Uefa bigwig Mike Lee, who spent all today flicking his wavy “hair” out of his eyes and talking tough. “The comments attributed to the president of the Turkish FA are to say the least unfortunate,” he thundered, probably in between peanut-based snacks. “It’s important that any public statements are calm and appropriate.” authenitc canada goose outlet store in gta with discount price So what’s Mike’s solution? You’ve guessed it, Uefa’s first rule of administration! “We will ask both FAs to come together at Uefa’s headquarters so that we can check that the preparations are in the right shape.” Something, surely, that Uefa (as a body) knows very little about.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Being honest, I would have gone to Middlesbrough because my house that I bought in the north-east was nearer to their training ground than it was Sunderland’s. That would have been ideal but obviously it wasn’t to be” – Make no mistake, Kevin Phillips is chuffed to be a Saint.

PATHETICALLY TRANSPARENT MIND GAME OF THE DAY

“I am manager of Manchester United and it would take something absolutely catastrophic for me to leave the club” can you dry clean a canada goose coat – Well, we all know who this is, but isn’t it interesting how he’s only revealing that Chelsea approached him in the summer two days after his chief executive left burlington coat factory canada goose coat for Stamford Bridge?

THE INAUGURAL FIVER PR PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD

While it’s not, say, for example, a Nintendo or Xbox games console, the Gemplus Sim Back-up Pack is a welcome addition to the Fiver’s pioneering PR bun fight. “Tell them it’s a pocket-sized device which can store your mobile phone book and up to 30 messages,” pleads Jane Strachy. No problem, Jane, and we’ll go one better by telling them it’s a life saver should you lose, break or have your mobile pinched by a vagabond, and that it retails at £5. Backs scratched.

And if that wasn’t enough – and we’ll level with you, at Fiver Towers too much is never enough – we’ve Arman Teker to thank for his very generous gift: flyers offering two-for-one tickets to see Michael “Awight at the back” Barrymore at London’s Wyndham’s Theatre. “Treat yourselves to a laugh at half price,” quips Arman. “My work gave me these but I think he’ll be s***e, so I give them to you.” A new low, and no mistake.

Raise the bar, PR people, send something of use/great value to The Fiver PR Person Of The Year Awards, The Fiver, Fiver Towers, 3-7 Ray Street, London EC1R 3DR.

THE RUMOUR MILL

Graeme Souness is apparently a close friend of the man who makes the world spin – Chelsea-approved uber agent Pini Zahavi – and chummy with the club’s new bean-counter Peter Kenyon. Join the dots and draw your own conclusion.

John Arne Riise is allegedly interesting Juventus. So much so that the Old Lady’s prepared to splurge £7m of her state-funded pension on the Liverpool left-back.

And Bolton boss Sam Allardyce is hiding out in a bush outside Sergei Rebrov’s bungalow, spying on the Tottenham outcast on the sly. “There’s a chance of getting him in January,” whispered Big Sam, before a frisky guard dog began romancing his leg.

NEWS IN BRIEF

Ipswich have signed Charlton midfielder Chris Bart-Williams on a one-month loan deal.

Worldly-wise Steve McManaman has offered to become a father figure to Manchester City’s bum-fluff brigade. “I see part of my role here as helping the youngsters,” he told the Manchester Evening News. “I’ve played in possibly every type of football match you could experience, so if anybody needs to speak to me I will be the first to help out the young lads.”

TONIGHT’S TV & RADIO

BBC1 Scotland: Germany v Scotland (7pm) This section has been nothing but a bad ad buy canada goose jacket in canada for the SoBigF virus over the last couple of days.

BBC2 Wales: Wales v Finland (7.10pm) But today you’re back in numbers. “I don’t know about British television, but here in the States I’ve had ENOUGH of feminine hygiene products adverts,” begins our humble narrator Mark Alfson from Florida in the US of A.

BBC1: England v Leichtenstein (7.30pm) “Do I REALLY need to know about how much more liquid a pad with wings can hold versus the non-winged pad from the next nearest competitor during my dinner?” They test that sort of thing during your dinner?

Match of the Day (11.15pm) “Do I REALLY need to know about how a woman can be so confident with brand X that she can wear white trousers to the party?” No. Nor that she can go roller-blading/sky-diving/sheep-shearing neither. Onward.

Sky Sports 1: Gillette Soccer Special (7.30pm) “A few weeks ago you printed a quote promising that Jamie Oliver would be taking a best price for canada goose jacket break from TV appearances for a year,” writes Mark Gillies, telling us what we already know.

You’re on Sky Sports (10pm) “Clearly the fat-tongued tinker doesn’t regard adverts as TV work, as he’s done a new one for Sainsbury’s.

Sky Sports 2: England v Leichtenstein (7pm) “In it, he’s shown sampling wines in various locations around the world, then in a quite hilarious twist, when he’s offered wine on the plane home he gives a bloated look (done in one take, I’d can you buy canada goose jacket online imagine) and says ‘Ooh, no thanks’.

British Eurosport: Euro 2004 football (10.30pm) “Ha ha ha kill him ha ha ha.”

Radio Five Live: Sport on Five (6pm) Pete Bradshaw is no fan of “that sickening advert for denture fixative featuring some Ron Atkinson lookalike snogging someone 25 years his younger in a car.” Sadly, that’s Granny Fiver’s personal favourite. But we’re all different and that’s what makes the world go round and so on and so forth.

TalkSport: Football First (7pm) “Bad ads” – they do exactly what they say on the tin. Keep sending them in to the.boss@theguardian.com or tomorrow we’ll fill this section with the entire transcript of the latest Specsavers abomination.

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I AM NOT AN OBJECT

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